It’s hard when others don’t really understand the phases of Cancer. I’ve learned that is an opportunity to educate people. This is somewhat of a touching subject for me. Maybe because it’s so personal now. Until you have to let go and let God move the mountains for you during this process, it’s hard to not get a little touchy about some things.
When I was told I was in remission, it was a big relief. It doesn’t mean I’m cancer free. It means it’s shut down and put to sleep. If I’m lucky, it stays that way. I’ve been in remission since August 2019. I go to follow up appointments every 4 months because I am HER2 positive and technically metastatic because it had moved into my lymph nodes.
Every 4 Month check up makes me little anxious. I’ve learned to put that anxiousness into action. I pick a room and do a deep clean on it. I weed my flower beds. I organize a craft box. I clean mirrors and windows. I clean and organize the fridge. You know those pesky little jobs that you could easily just be put on the back burner. Those are the perfect way to keep your mind focused on something other than the upcoming appointment.
Canva – Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
When I’m working on these projects I have learned to focus on God. I’m cleaning out my physical space but I am also cleaning out my mind and my heart. I’m getting rid of all the negative thoughts I am having at that moment. Such as, Will the cancer be back? I haven’t taken care of myself the way I should have. I’m overweight. I’m this or that. When I start organizing and putting the space back together, I build myself up. I am strong. I am beautiful. I kicked cancer to the curb. It’s ok to pace yourself. It’s ok if you don’t get everything done today. I try so hard to be the person I was before all this, a go-go-go person, and that just isn’t going to happen. Because I’m not the same person.
This is probably the hardest realization after chemo, mastectomy and radiation. I am not the same person. Even now, a year and a half after the last of the treatments. I try my hardest not to dwell on the aches and pains that are a daily reminder. I try not to get frustrated with myself or others when I can’t do things I used to do easily. And I most definitely try not to snap when someone says but you don’t have cancer any more. This last one is the one that hurts the most. Although I may look like my old friendly, smiley, self; most days I’m not. I’m constantly asking God, what do you want me to share with others. Is it to share with other cancer patients or putting into words the anger, hurt and frustration I feel so that those who don’t know can understand better?
This blog came about from my anxiousness. I hope that one day, I will fulfill what God wants me to do with all this cancer survivor stuff. Until then, I will keep focused on Him any way I can.